fj_warren

Clipped speech!

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:32:45 GMT

You know the scene. You're rushing through the town, trying to do all the things that need to be done by a certain time and some cheery oick collars you with their clipboard clamped firmly in one hand and a well inked biro in the other! I usually keep rushing and throw: Sorry, I'm late for the bus!" over my shoulder as I speed by. However, some step out in front of you when you least expect it and if they start with the stock phrase of: "Excuse me *madam. Can I ask you a couple of questions?", don't panic. No need to batter them over the head with your shopping in an attempt to get away as there is a simple solution. Smile sweetly and say: "Of course you can."

Immediately, they relax, return your smile and ask a question. You smile and give your reply. By now they are beaming and well into their stride so they come at you with the next query. (I hope you're counting as this question will be number three)!

This is when you say: "I'm sorry but I've answered a couple (i.e. two) questions as requested. Goodbye!" and depart before the look of astonishment has had time to leave their face. If they shout: "Smarta**e!" at your back as you make your way down the street this gives their 'nice, kind person with a clipboard' image a severe battering and they have to work extra hard at getting another poor fool to fill in their form. Yay!

*'Madam' - (sighs and then begins to snuffle) - I think I'd fill the b****y form in myself if one of them (especially the young handsome males) could bring themselves to call me 'Miss' instead! :D

Garden Update No: 5015 ........... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:27:52 GMT

I'm soooooooo tired! However, I have been able to chomp my way through my own homegrown lettuce, radishes and spring onions! Yay! Needless to say I've lost a few plants; a couple of the vegetable spaghetti plants didn't make it and Mr Pigeon and his entourage had a field day with the sprouts, etc. However, copious amounts of old computer tape has stemmed their enthusiasm! The trouble is the tape breaks easily so you have to disentangle it from all the plants it gets wrapped up with! :( Not to worry - I've still got loads of tape to use up so I can always strand up some more. I always save the odd cd that arrives in the post and string them up as well to act as another form of deterrent. However, nothing is that successful as the blighters always seem to find a way of getting their lunch and, with all the computer related objects that are hanging around in the garden, they're probably getting themselves an NVQ in computer programming at the same time!

The heavens have opened!

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 06:47:50 GMT

Rain! We have rain! (Does dance)! Not only have I managed to collect water but I won't need to spend my evenings watering my plot for a while. Even the parsnips have started to sprout! Yay!

Highs, lows and flat out!

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 22:36:08 GMT

Highs: For some strange reason I started thinking about my first job today. I was 17 and grass-green into the bargain. The first day went in a whirl but on the second day a new intake of students arrived to begin their course. My boss had arranged to meet them all in the refectory and I had to go with him to take notes! He marched down through the aisle and climbed onto the stage and I followed, tripping along in my Mary Quant shoes and sexy, little mini skirt. He remained standing to deliver his speech to the students and I sat in the chair and surveyed their faces and (er ..... pretended to take notes ... ahem)! The students were all male and mostly in the age range of 19 to 25! Oooooh! And they were all smiling at me! Without exception every man jack of them had a broad grin on his face. I have never felt such warmth from any group of people before or since. Well, I just smiled right back at them! A couple of months later I was having a quiet chat with one of the students over lunch and I mentioned how touched I had been by their lovely, welcoming smiles because I was sooooo nervous because it was my first job and only my second day at work. He looked surprised and then mentioned that none of them knew I had only just started the job so they weren't smiling at me for that reason. Naturally, I asked why they were smiling if that was the case. Back came the prompt reply, and I even noted the reminiscent glint in his eye, as he floored me with: "Because when you sat down we could see right up your skirt!" Whoops! :)

Lows: I've run out of water in the garden and have to carry it over from the rain butts in the house garden! Tiring work as you can imagine. I complained to Mr Warren that I had hoped we would have a shower of rain today. He looked amazed and then said: "Didn't you have any? I had a lovely shower of rain where I was working!" Hmmn! Well, he p*****g would, wouldn't he?!!!!!!!!!!

Flat out: Printing off about forty photos for sproglet's portfolio (she's going for an interview for a photography course tomorrow) and hoping that the ink would last! Needless to say I ran out of paper instead! Life sucks sometimes! :(

Less is More?

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 13:04:40 GMT

Sproglet purchased a buy-one-get-one-free collection of Weightwatchers Carrot Cake Slices! Yummy for mummy! Looking at the packaging I noticed that on the top of the packet and at one end they were described as 6 carrot cake slices. However, on the other end they were called 6 carot cakes slices - without the extra 'r' so, in order to maintain the belief that I'm losing weight, I opened the packet at the 'r' less end. Why? Well, as my rear is my biggest problem, I'm presuming I will end up losing even more weight at the less .... um .... 'r's end! :)

Roofed and floored at the same time!

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 05:29:29 GMT

Paul came and helped put the roof on the shed for us! :) His six year old son came with him and told me about the birthday party he went to for his friend.

The conversation went a bit like this:

O: "She had a 'magiden' with a purple beard. And he blewed up balloons and let one off and it flied off all around the room! It was great fun!"

FJ: " Gosh! That sounds really exciting!"

O: "It was! " He stared at me for all of five seconds and then said: "Are you the biscuit lady?"

FJ: "Yes I am. If go back to the house shall I see if I can find some biscuits?"

O, nodding: "That would be a good idea!"

FJ: "How old was your friend on her birthday?"

O: "Six!"

FJ: "Oh! The same age as you!" O regarded me with a very serious look on his face and it was apparent I'd made a huge faux pas!

O, in a very disgusted tone of voice: "No! She's not the same age as me." He looked at me as if I was on the brink of lunacy then explained in a very purposeful manner: "I'm an older six than she is!"

FJ, trying hard not to laugh: "Oh! Sorry, my mistake."

O: "That's alright. You didn't know!" Silence for a moment then, with a very cute expression on his face, he said: "Do you think you will be going over to the house?" And just in case I missed his reasoning: "You know ... where the biscuits are!"

ROFL! :D

Garden Update 3015! (Well, that's what it feels like)!

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 06:36:47 GMT

The garden shed is in place and just needs the roof to be put on. Tall people please apply to ...............................!

I managed to sow quite a few rows of veggies, in between helping to put up the shed, but have more to do today. I've got my *black tomato plants in the greenhouse, along with the cucumbers, peppers, aubergines and the odd lettuce. The other greenhouse is full of Mr Warren's tomato plants so maybe we'll have a competition as to who can grow the best crops! :)

* Apparently, the Victorians liked to grow these for show so I'm not sure if they will have a good flavour. I've been told that they (the Victorians) liked to place a bowl of sliced red and black tomatoes on the table as it had a pleasing look to it! We shall see! At least we will if the dear things grow! :)

Garden Update No. 104

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 23:19:10 GMT

I've planted my lettuces, surrounded by gravel to deter the slugs and snails, and sowed a row of beetroot. As we've had a nice dollop of rain I didn't have to water any of the plants. My friend arrived today and was amazed at how much I've managed to get done in the past week, bearing in mind that I was still mending the fence last week! I'm pleased, not to say astonished, because I only lost a couple of plants and as the dear things have been sitting on staging, in and out of the greenhouse, since the beginning of April onwards that is quite encouraging. Soon, much to stegzy's delight, I shall be sowing parsnips! :D If they're successful perhaps I could include them in his Christmas box instead of the sloe gin! :D:D:D

A Grave Matter!

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:07:08 GMT

Trying to get the ground level to put the new shed up is not easy. Mr. Warren is not helping as he is driving me up the wall!

Question: Does the ground settle in time if I place the shed over the grave? Aghhhhhhhhhh

Getting there slowly!

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:42:03 GMT

Garden update folks! I have got the row of runner beans in, the two blocks of sweetcorn, the butternut squash, the vegetable spaghetti and the courgette plants. Also the shallots, leeks and onions and then this evening I put in two rows of sprouts, and one row of purple sprouting broccoli and one row of cabbages. This morning I put up a row of pea netting so this evening I sowed mangetout and ordinary peas but I'm now having to gear myself up to go back to do all the watering. As each full length row is at least twenty feet long and I have to do it with two watering cans it will mean a lot of walking! (Sighs) ... I shall have muscles like Popeye! (Feels biceps). (Sobs) I HAVE got muscles like Popeye! :(

Slumped!

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 22:33:35 GMT

I did go over to the garden. Just did some watering and planted a row of onions ... bit late but they might be ok! :( To get to the water tank I had to cut down a load of stinging nettles and the only thing I could find was the long handled hook - works a treat but very tiring. I prefer to use a stick and a short-handled hook because you have more control over what you are doing. Loads of comfrey (knitbone) in the garden and, as it is in flower, the bees are going mad over it! I should have picked some leaves to throw in the bath as it really does ease those tired muscles! And speaking of tired I'm off up the timber hill, so night night folks! :)

Slump!

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 19:21:08 GMT

I have gardened until I could garden no more. Mr Warren has been kindness itself ........... apart from requesting a meal when I got back after four hours of solid toil, dripping with sweat, covered in dust and with my hands bruised, blistered and b*******d! But .... (bounce bounce - er almost) .. we have got the sweetcorn in, and the row of runner beans, the leeks and the shallots (I grew them in pots because we didn't have the ground ready for them - fingers crossed) and I'm even thinking of going back (tonight) to have a go at planting some of the other stuff! The other thing I want to check on is that in our efforts to keep the little bunny wunnies out of the fenced off garden we haven't, inadvertently, fenced the little beggars in to a green and munchful paradise! Wouldn't that be a laugh? ................. not!

Mended Fences

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 08:02:02 GMT

Mr Warren is my new best friend! :) I have mended the fence around the vegetable plot and he is digging me a long bean trench so that I can plant my potted runner bean plants (my four feet long runner bean plants but due to holes in the fence and lack of ploughing the ground my plants were all ready to go in yonks ago)! I can also plant the cabbages, peas, vegetable spaghetti plants and ................. omg the list is endless but never mind! :) Then I can sort out sowing all the other crops and clearing the space for the new garden shed. Phew! Once all that is up and running all I'll have to do is ............ collapse in a heap! :( Unfortunately, I'm also supposed to be decorating the house, help run the business, and people want more books to be written! There are only 24 hours in a day folks - have pity on me! :)

Mending Fences!

Thu, 29 May 2008 19:29:14 GMT

Aghhhh! Spent the first part of the morning in the greenhouse, the second part, almost all the lunch hour, and the first part of the afternoon on office work, then off to the jolly old garden to ........ mend the fence. :( Mr Warren bought a strimmer that can be used as a brush-cutter. Brilliant machine which trimmed out all the rubbish at the base of the rabbit-proof fence. (Taps fingers on table) I see you are all ahead of me here! Yes, it very neatly chopped great holes in the rabbit-proof fence as well! Hence the mending .... and the scratched hands, punctured fingers, and so on! :( One day Mr Warren will be attacked by a machete waving Mrs Warren who will have finally flipped!

I know why the wet bird sings!

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:52:50 GMT

I haven't got to sing in the bath any more! Yay!! Yippee!!! I've got a new bathroom door ...... which locks!!!! The old bathroom door, the one which had the hole in it 'cos Mr Warren put the towel rail immediately behind the door and then flung the door open to show me his handiwork ... yup! .... hence the hole in the door!, has been removed and the new door locks!!!!! The old one had a bolt on it but, unfortunately, it didn't align with anything as 'someone' didn't fit the necessary restraint in the right place! Sighs with pleasure. It's taken nearly 30 years but what the hell! We tend to get there eventually! :)

Putting the sparkle back into my .....................?

Tue, 27 May 2008 19:28:16 GMT

Well, it had to happen I suppose. I spent the morning on my knees!!!!!!! But I did have quite a bit of success at getting the gloop off the tiles! Bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar folks! Just in case your old man decides the day after the new tiles have been laid is JUST the right time to dismantle the Cornish Range, or indeed any sort of coal/wood burning appliance, all over your new floor WITHOUT putting newspaper or an old blanket down first! Oh well .... (loud sigh) ........ after all these years I'm used to Mr Warren's bright ideas. Later that day he stomped over the floor in his mud-caked wellies and mentioned the fact that the tiles showed the dirt. Useless to explain to Mr Warren that pale creamy beige tiles are fighting a losing battle when they try to absorb the colour of dark brown mud!! But, let's look on the bright side, I did have a successful clean up operation even if my body feels completely crippled by all the hard work! :(

Man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward!

Sun, 25 May 2008 17:06:56 GMT

And it being the sabbath I did arise and stand on the threshold of the old kitchen and my heart did soar with delight! Forsooth, yestermorn, the builder toileth like unto a saint and did finisheth the floor! The light shineth upon the new beige and cream tiles and they did glow like unto the cherished sunbeams in return. I didst go forth unto the new kitchen, and I singeth merrily to myself, and my lord arriveth and we did breakfast together ..... over a mess of potage and a bowl of cornflakes. After he has broken his fast he disappeareth into the old kitchen and did disport himself therein whilst I toileth with the many dishes that we hast soiled. Verily, my happiness knoweth no bounds and I singeth to myself until I heareth a noise that confuseth me! It cometh from the old kitchen and I didst open the door that I might availeth my eyes of that which hast caughteth my attention. My lord hast only gone and removeth the top and front of the old Cornish range and had deposited much dust and a multitude of soot all over my new floor! I shutteth the door, retreateth to my kitchen and sobbeth into a tea towel! My lord didst make much progress with his efforts and soon the brightest of bright shining floors resembleth an ash pan! I returneth to the scene of desecration and regardeth my lord with murder in my heart! "Worry not!" sayeth he, "Thou art an able woman and soon thou willst have thy tiles shining like the newest of new stars in the night sky! 'Tis the work of an afternoon only!" And he didst smile kindly upon me. I locketh myself in the room of ablutions and sobbeth into a towel and didst vow much vengeance upon my lord! He whistleth happily unto himself as he worketh and I disappeareth into the building that houseth the wooden fuel for the fire and sharpeneth the axe!!!! My lord realizeth that I be not best pleased and suggesteth that he placeth a blanket upon the tiles that he might preserveth their brightness! I muttereth under my breath! I cleaneth up the soiled floor to the best of my poor abilities and my lord didst smile kindly upon me and telleth me what an excellent day's work we doeth! I muttereth under my breath! And my lord sayeth: "What has thou prepared for our meal that we might feast upon after our labours?" I replyeth: "Arsenic soup and Strychnine pie!" He tappeth the side of his head and sayeth unto me: "Thou art indeed mad!" "Mad!" sayeth I. "Mad?! I be not mad, I be b****y, *******, ******* fuming!" My lord telleth me that I shouldst not soil my tongue with foul language. I muttereth under my breath, again! My lord goeth on his way like unto a man who thinkest he hast performed a wondrous feat and I returneth to my new kitchen and bangeth the pots and pans and yea, the noise of my efforts could be heard even unto the hills!

Here endeth another b****y lesson! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gardening and Chelsea!

Thu, 22 May 2008 06:50:55 GMT

I'm gardening non-stop at the moment so not a lot of free time. Hopefully I'll have something to show for my efforts by the weekend! :) When I've finished I put my feet up and switch the telly on to watch the RHS Chelsea flower show! :) That's when the phone starts to ring! Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Standards! An observation!

Sat, 17 May 2008 14:07:24 GMT

Strange thing, standards. We all have them and tend to judge others by our yardstick. Nothing wrong with that but there is something about seeing other people's views written down that sends the odd shiver up my spine. In my life I've had an awful lot to do with the less well educated, less well heeled and quite a few down and outs. They weren't all a merry bunch I can assure you but I found many a fine gem amongst them! I like to think that the nose I look down isn't quite so hypocritical as some that sit on other faces so I'm not in the habit of banding types of people into the 'good eggs' and 'the waste of space' league. To be honest it is something I don't like to see happening around me but I'm not so naive that I don't understand that it does go on. Of course, politically it should be quite a no no, but, unfortunately, it isn't now and never has been. In fact, one gentleman called Adolf, by virtue of a democratic election, made a whole country follow his warped and evil views! However, have your own thoughts, hold to your own opinions but take the time to consider them carefully. Pigeon holes are quite small spaces and you can't cram that many of the 'wrong sort' into them!

Seven things you might want to know about me ..... but there again might not!

Wed, 14 May 2008 08:12:28 GMT

1. Historical Novels: I'm a bit picky about the books I like to read. I don't read an amazing amount of them and about the only thing they have in common is the author's ability to tell a good story. As to all the fuss as to whether a book is historical fiction or not (a real historical person's life fictionalized) I couldn't give a tinker's cuss! A good book is worth the read no matter the subject!

2. The Older Woman: A much maligned version of the younger one but, usually, without the bimbo-osity! I cringe when I see some older ladies pinched to perfection with plastic surgery because they've given in to the same god that dictates looks are all! My philosophy is that if you only look in the mirror how will you know what's to see through the window?

3: Selling my book! Lol. (That's an in-joke with a writer friend)! :) Basically, I don't bother because I'm too shy but I try to pass it off as laziness. I would go into details about these 'wondrous' tomes but ....... (blushes pink) .... I'll miss the opportunity because I feel silly talking about them! Sighs!

4: UK Writing Market: I'm not sure if this exists anymore! If you are a celebrity then you slap your moniker on a ghostwritten pile of rubbish and, hey presto!, you top the best seller lists! At the moment there are two books, neither of which I'm tempted to buy, which are in the 'rats leaving the sinking ship' zone. They have been brought out with the intention of making the authors look better than they are but also, and this is the bit that leaves a nasty taste - even if you are bulimic - to distance themselves from any blame attaching to their person! Despicable! My other gripe is with the 'celebrity' writes children's book genre. The book often describes some 'flower-named' fairy or small female hopping through a series of adventures with the delicacy of a burned toasted sandwich! In other words the possibilities were there but the results, even after a severe pummeling by a series of editors, are dire!

5: Early Music: David Munrow! The man was a joy to listen to, either talking or playing. From him I just began to listen to more early music. I'm not a musician, although I would like to have been, so I imagine I'm in a similar position to the peasants that heard these tunes all those years ago! I find the sound of the early church music enthralling and it's wonderful to write by - soothing and energizing at the same time!

6: Saga: I love a good saga - fact or fiction. Historically the Plantagenets do it for me - what a collection of ne'er do wells they were but so interesting. I also like fictional accounts of a decent family - I mean decent in the sense of well-written characters!

7: Quotes: Virgil - Varium et mutabile semper Femina - A fickle thing and changeful is woman always! (So I might change my mind next time you ask for a quote! :)

I'm doing this so that if you make a comment I get to pick seven interests from your profile and zap you with them! However, don't blame me, for this fiendish post, blame jamesofdoom as it was he who picked these interests from my profile when I replied to his post.

Brotherly and Sisterly love!

Tue, 13 May 2008 07:21:32 GMT

I've just been admonished by my brother because lots of his friends, who read my lj, have discovered, because of yesterday's post, that it was his birthday yesterday and have texted him congratulatory messages!

At least I didn't give away his real age! (Even if I'm amazed at how good he looks for 104)! :D

More telephone stuff!

Mon, 12 May 2008 20:06:05 GMT

As my brother is celebrating his birthday today, (and I know he looks in on my scribbles now and again), I hereby repeat one of those lovely 'mother' stories that have had the family falling about with laughter down the years! :)

My mother used to ring me each time she missed a telephone call.

Mum: "Did you just ring me?"

FJ: "No. It wasn't me."

Mum: "Are you sure?"

FJ, with loud sigh, replies: "Yes."

Mum: "Only the phone rang and I thought it must be you!"

FJ: "Mum, if you have a telephone call just ring 1471 and you'll find out who called you."

Mum: "Really?"

FJ: "Yes. Look I'll ring you, you ring 1471 and then you'll know it was me that called and you can ring me back. You'll be able to do that each time you miss a call!"

Mum: "Alright!"

FJ: "Ok, you put the phone down and I'll ring you, then you put in 1471 and ..........." burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (as the phone is slapped down at the other end!

I sigh but it is par for the course with my mother. Dutifully I ring her number and wait for her to ring me back! 30 minutes later, with no telephone call forthcoming, I ring her.

FJ: "Did you ring 1471?"

Mum, in an annoyed tone, snaps: "Yes!"

FJ: "Well, why didn't you ring me back?"

Mum, defensively: "I didn't know it was you that rang! I just got some silly woman who told me a load of numbers and not the name of the person who'd called at all!"

(I couldn't speak as, by this time, I was crying with laughter)! :D

Happy Birthday, Bro! :)

Walled off!

Mon, 12 May 2008 19:42:30 GMT

The builder couldn't lay the floor tiles tonight, as promised, (where have we heard that before?), as he rang to say he was waiting for a wall to go off! Hmm! Must be like waiting for wet plaster to dry!

Honestly, men! They'll come up with any old excuse!

FJ's 'Duh' moment! :/

Mon, 12 May 2008 18:43:50 GMT

Someone on my f list, who shall be nameless, (but he's is always being rude about his missus, Mrs. Gnomepants, ) likes to imply that the female of the species is occasionally two pennies short of a pound! I'm a great believer that this is not the case - females are brighter than males. Imagine my chagrin, therefore, when I missed a call on the telephone and had to take down the number instead; a local number that I thought I recognized I might add, and had to inform Mr Warren that I had missed a call.

Mr Warren: 'What number was it?"

FJ: "8*****. I've looked in the book and I'm sure I know it but I can't find any customer with that number."

Mr Warren: "Are you sure you can't place it?"

FJ: "I just can't bring it to mind! And it's so annoying! I know that telephone number because it rings a bell!"

It was at this point that Mr Warren fell about laughing and called me a 'silly fool' - an observation with which I had to concur! :(

I'm bright most of the time but we all have our off days! :(

Hope, getting the bird and pulling a rabbit out of a cat ... almost!!

Mon, 12 May 2008 05:21:45 GMT

Today I got plastered! Or more correctly, the walls got plastered. This means that the floor tiles can start to be laid and then the painting. Soon, (although I use the word with some trepidation), the year long rebuilding of the old kitchen will finally be over! (Dances jig)!

The woodpecker has taken up visitation rights to the peanut holder, which hangs from the apple tree in the garden, and sets up a string of vocal complaints if we are in the garden thus indicating that we should disappear back into the house. So, yesterday, FP and moi were enjoying the sunshine, chomping through ice cream and swigging back the coffee whilst resting on our new bench, when the sweet bird decided that he was in need of refreshment. There ensued a cacophony of bird calls - angry ones - so FP, a devout ornithologist, said we would have to go back indoors so 'Woody' could eat! We were forced to slink away like two criminals!

Pickles, the aged moggie, decided that I needed a break from gardening and so struggled across the garden, and gave me the latest gift that she had caught from amongst the numerous wildlife with which the garden abounds. It's all right folks, I didn't kill the baby bunny wunny! Awww. No, gormless gussie, picked up the frozen-with-fear little critter and carried it to the bank and, after getting severely scratched by various brambles, let him go in the safety of the undergrowth. It stared at me, wide-eyed, for all of 1second and then disappeared up the track and into some bushes! Yes, I know it will come back, bigger, stronger and, probably, with the rest of his family in tow, to lay waste to my garden, but it was so small I didn't have the heart to kill it! :(